Commitments with emotions

If you choose compassion instead of anger, you become a passionate person. If you choose courage instead of fear, you become a less fearful person. If you choose commitment instead of whims, you become a more committed person. And that’s what we’re talking about here, making your decisions to support your commitments. Contrary to popular belief, commitments are not static things. They live just like we do because they are a part of us. And, like us they grow and change.

Let’s look closer. What do we mean by a commitment that is alive? A commitment that is alive is one that is re-enforcing itself constantly. Not because you ever doubt it. Not because you push doubts from your mind. But because you do the precise opposite. Because you notice your doubts quickly. Call them up, front and center, and look at them directly in the eye. 

For instance, you’re walking down the street a happily married man or woman, and some sweet young thing walks in front of you and before you know it, you’re off in a fantasy in immense proportions. A typical day, right? The problem is you’re in a committed relationship with somebody. What are you going to do? Are you going to feel resentful that you’re not allowed to taste this forbidden fruit? Are you going to try to replace your fantasy with thoughts of a cold shower? Or are you going to feel guilty? Because if you believe that you were really happily married, you wouldn’t even have fantasies about other partners.

If you’re conscious, if you are committed to a live committed commitment, you’re not going to do any of these things. In your mind, you’re going to turn and face your fantasy consciously and your going to hold it up and ask yourself, “Even if I could act on this, would whatever pleasure it gave me be worth jeopardizing what I have over here with my spouse? The years we’ve been together? The depth and understanding and truth we have for each other. The kids and what we’ve built together, our plans and dreams?” 

And even if you think you could get away with a little infidelity that your spouse wouldn’t find out. You do realize that there’s no getting away with anything. You ask yourself, “Do I really want to lie to the person who I love? Do I really want to put walls up in my own heart, between me and the person I am committed to?” And, you hold this fantasy up and you compare it with the deep, rich, alive committed relationship that you have with your spouse. And you really look at it and when you do, you realize that there’s no comparison. The fantasy is demolished. 

So what have you done by really looking at your fantasy consciously? You have, strangely enough, used it to actually strengthen your commitment to your marriage, instead if having it undermine your marriage. Which what it would have done if you had not looked at it consciously. Do you see the mechanism? At least that’s the easy scenario.

Next time we’ll look at something a little less easy.

Examples of commitment

Another application of commitment: if you’re an environmentalist, you have to think about “What does that mean for you?” Most of want to have a beautiful environment and we want all the conveniences of modern life. You can’t have both. You just can’t, and so, and if you’re an environmentalist yes that means that you pack your aluminum cans out even when you’re camping or hiking so you don't leave them in a roadside disposal. 

That means that you turn off the water and turn off the lights even when you’re staying in a hotel; even when it absolutely nothing to do with your electric bill or water bill. 

That means that when you buy a car you look at the mileage being just as important as how fast it accelerates.

Or depending on how you define being an environmentalist, you might be like some of my friends. You might find that it is not appropriate to own a car. They take bikes and buses, but until you think about it; until you make a decision on what’s appropriate for you, you’re fractured with people.

Keeping your word. If you’re somebody who keeping your word is important then you think twice before you make a promise. You may say no to somebody even when you want to say yes. But you say no knowing that sometime down the line they’ll find out the truth. So you make your commitments consciously.

When you listen to somebody, you really listen. Your mind isn’t wandering all over the place because you’re making a commitment in that moment. You’re making a decision. You’re focusing your thoughts.  

I’ll give you an example dealing with emotional commitments tomorrow.

OMG! More commitment!

The applications of this are endless. For instance, as a leader in your organization, you have to be committed to something. If you area manager or you are a leader in your workplace, you have to ask yourself, “What do I stand for? What am I committed to?” and you can’t do that unless you’re conscience, unless you make decisions based on real self-awareness and chances are you will decide one of the things I stand for in my origination in my department is great customer service. That’s what most of us need stand for in the world these days--great customer service. So, when you make that kind of commitment the decisions are easier. 

For instance, when you make the commitment you going to be great a customer service then you talk to customer’s regularly. Maybe you set up systems where your people talk to customer’s regularly. Maybe you do surveys. That’s a way of making a decision to support your commitment. When you're committed to costumer service, you don’t tolerate jokes being told about customers among your people. You don’t tolerant little white lies being told to customers. You’re decisions support your comment.

When the budget’s tight and you think you might want to cut back on some services, but you think twice or three times about doing that, because you know your commitment and your decisions have to support your commitment.

If you don’t bother to commitment. If you don’t bother to think about it; clarify it in your head then you’re at the mercy of the next wind that blows. That’s commitment.

We’ll get into another application of commitment tomorrow.

Facing commitment in a head-on collision

Another example: We all want to and most of us love to eat. Don’t we? I love to eat. I love new restaurants. I love to cook. I like Häagen-Dazs. I like fat and salt, potato chips. I like fat and sugar, ice cream. I love it! And, I want to have a nice body. 

When we look at our bodies, what do we compare our bodies to? Most of us compare our bodies to the people on television who advertise health clubs. You want to know who I compare my body to? Jennifer Lopez or Cher (and that isn’t even her body). And I must tell you that I am a sad disappointment. 

You men, you compare your bodies to the Soloflex man. So what is it? How can you have it. both? And again, when we want both, when we want to look like Jennifer Lopez and we want to enjoy food and go to a restaurant and have Häagen-Dazs? What is it again when we want both? We get neither.

I know people who have never looked in the mirror in the last 30 years and liked what they saw, and they have never had a bite of food that they have enjoyed guilt free at the same time. You want both, you get neither. So what do you do? You get conscience about it. You realize again where's the pain in my life, where’s the frustration in my life? Let’s look at it. Let’s tell the truth about it. The truth is, I can’t have both. And so, you solve it. You become conscience, you make a decision. 

You say to yourself, “Okay, well, maybe I don’t need to look like Jennifer Lopez or the Soloflex man. Maybe I need to get a new vision of what I need to look like in my head. And I think most of us would be very well served by getting an ideal view of our body in our mind that is about 10 pounds heavier than we think what our ideal body ought to be and look like. Just picture in your mind your ideal weight is about 10 pound heavier and look at those little rolls of fat. Just look at them and think how healthy you are. And look at yourself and think how lusty I am and let it be okay; because until you do, you can’t have anything. What I’m talking about is looking at what is the appropriate ground for you.

If you are professional model, maybe the appropriate ground for you as you look at it consciously, is to not eat any Häagen-Dazs and to work out two hours a day. If you have a job and you have a family and an occasional novel you want to read maybe the appropriate balance is working out three hours a week, and having the occasional treat. But until you decide what it is for you and for you it is a compromise, for most of us it is, you can’t enjoy anything. 

The problem that I’m saying is that most of us want all of those things and never stop to think about what is appropriate, and so we’re fractured in our consciousness.

How is commitment developed?

Let’s look at how we develop commitment. First of all, what stops us from being committed? Well, what causes us to be uncommitted is our splintered or fractured consciousness. 

We want it all. Don’t we? We want the career, we want the home life. You know we all want a career that’s really happening, where we’re really making the money. Where we’re really buying what we want. We’ve got the big house, we’ve got the world travel and we’re doing something. We’re written up in the paper, and it’s great! We all want that kind of career. 

We all want a loving home life; closeness with our children, a loving relationship. And, we want to read novels and take an occasional weekend retreat by ourselves; and go bowling and play bridge, or go golfing and we want all of that.

The problem is you can’t have all of that! Something’s got to give. So, you look at you career…Maybe I can *gasp* past up that next promotion. Maybe I don’t make to need as much money as I thought I needed to make. Maybe I really would be happier in a two bedroom apartment, reading an occasional novel than in a five bedroom house where I have a briefcase of work every night. Maybe I really would be happier. But, something’s got to give. You can’t have it all. 

Or you look at your home life and you think well, maybe I don’t have to hang around with these friends so much. Maybe I don’t have to play bridge this much. Maybe my house doesn’t have to be this clean. And you make a decision around that.

Here’s the interesting rub about this, until you decide what is the appropriate balance and what you want and what you don’t want, then you get nothing. You don’t get the great career because you can’t focus on it and you don’t get the happy family life because you’re too guilty to enjoy it. And you get nothing until you decide what it is and then when you decide what it is and you can only do it by being awake and conscience and observing and looking at it. Until you decide what it is, all you can do is to be buffeted around by this whim or that whim, or the last person you talked to, or the last television commercial that you watched. And that’s where so many of us are!

We’re at the mercy of our own wimps and society’s wimps. And there’s no shortage of people who are willing to tell you what you should want. But, until you have a commitment, until you paid attention, you’re at their mercy. And you’re going crazy!

Commitment

Self-empowerment

Sept 1: Self-awareness

Sept 2: Truth

Sept 3: Love

Sept 4: Commitment

We’ve just looked at love. Love means connection. Connection to other people, to your own work and purpose, to the life process itself. Remember, connection overcomes separation. Or in other words, love heals fear. Fear is what keeps is from telling the truth and truth is what leads us to self-empowerment. Got it? Good.

Now let’s move the forth major step, commitment.

Commitment simply means consciously focusing your mind on the truth. Consciously choosing the truth and when you do that, your life transforms automatically.

Let’s look at how we can create a life around us. Now to do that, let me give you an example. But first let me ask, what’s a very common example of commitment in our world? You know the answer. It’s marriage. 

Now what do we do when we get married? We commit to faithfulness. What we are saying in essence is, if I see somebody really attractive, I might look, but I’m not going to touch. If fact, they are not going to mean anymore to me than looking at Angelina Jolie or Brat Pitt on the screen. Yeah, I’ll look at them, but there’s no way. I’m committed to you. I’m faithful. That’s a commitment.

What’s another commitment we make? For better or for worse. What does that mean? You faults, your flaws, I kind of like them; and if I don’t kind of like them, I can tolerate them. That’s a committed relationship. And that’s beautiful and it works. Except, when it doesn’t work. And what happens when one day we wake up from unconsciousness and we realize that our commitment’s gone in that relationship? When the next pretty little person walks by, we don’t just look, we think to ourselves, “Well, what if?” and, “Why not?” I’m not getting what I need at home.

And the next time the little flaw or fault shows up it kind of grates, and we think, “Why do I have to live with this?” “Why does this person have to inflict this on my life?”

I have a friend who talked about this. She said, “When I first got married, my husband snored and I used to cuddle up and snuggle up to him like he was a little bear cub.” She says now, “I feel like I’m sleeping next to a pig.” Well, I can tell you right now, the commitment is gone. And when the commitment’s gone, our mind wanders. 

So, what do we do in this kind of situation? Well, we get conscience. We observe. We look and we realize that our feeling of commitment is gone. And we look at it and we ask ourselves, “Is this fixable? Is this tolerable?” And we bring it up to our partner and we bring it up with our partner with to a therapist. We do whatever we need to do in order to get to the bottom of this. 

And then we make another decision. Am I committed or am I not? And we move on. But the decision is necessary.

That’s where we get into the problem, when we don’t get conscious enough, we don’t look closely enough to make a decision. So let our fractured mind move from one thing to the other like a ping pong ball.

I have a friend, Judy, who gave me a wonderful example of this. She married a very wealthy man who was free to travel. He works. He does projects, but he travels a lot. And he often wants to travel at the drop of a hat. And she has a career. She doesn't have a career where she’s free to go whenever she wants. And she was wondering. She was torn. Should she keep her career or should she go into this marriage. or should she leave her career so that could travel and be free and loose? 

And she was thinking to herself and this is the dilemma, “I want to live the kind of life with him that we’ve dreamed about, that we’ve talked about. But, what if the relationship doesn’t work? And I’ve let go of my career? What should I do?”

She when to a therapist who gave her very wise advice and that advice is, “Make your decisions as if the decisions of the commitment you made is going to work.” Make your decisions to support your commitment, even the big ones. Stop hedging your bets so damn much! When you hedge your bets, nothing happens. You stay fractured. That’s what causes a lack of commitment.

My very first speed dating experience

Today's video blog is on speed dating. 

How do we connect with life itself?

So far we’ve talked about connection to other people. We’ve talked about connection to work. Let’s look at the connection to life itself; connection to the world at large; and I don’t quite what to say about this but, sometimes it just happens. You know that feel of connectedness when you’re driving down the road and you look and you see the mountains, or you look at the rivers, and my gosh—the colors! And just that feeling of everything’s okay? 

The birth of a child can bring that feeling up. Or maybe a reconciliation between a parent or loved one that you’ve been estranged from for years. One time it happened for me and it lasted a long time. I learned this lesson fairly well at that point.

I remember one day, I was talking an adventure walk. I don’t call it a hike because it not actually. And I remember following the trail back into a little piece of serenity. There’s a beautiful flowing stream. Now, this was not the Grand Canyon or some wondrous valley in Hawaii; nor was it Somas Pass in California. As a matter of fact, it’s just down the road from where I live.

One day, I remember looking at the beautiful trees and the beautiful sky with the beautiful clouds. Everything was so green and the flowers were abundant in their colors and I was just overwhelmed by the beauty of this scene. And looked down and I saw this rock I was standing on with this moss on it. I was overwhelmed at the beauty of that rock. There was a vine growing along the rock and I looked at this vine and I was blown away by the beauty of this vine. And the vine led to my foot. I look down at my foot and I was overwhelmed by the beauty of my foot. It was that kind of a moment.

I can remember I was picking up tiny little pebbles out of the stream and I was letting the pebbles fall though my hands and just watch it glisten in the sun. I started looking at the pebbles and how beautiful they were and then I started looking at the individual pebbles and they were beautiful. Every one I looked at was beautiful. I did not find one ugly pebble or stone in that whole stream.

That’s that connection to the world at large and nature is our access point for that. You don’t have to travel 6,000 miles to see it. You don’t have $4000. You don’t have to spend anything. You can look at it anywhere. And that’s what I realized. That’s the lesson I bring home from that.

My daughter who lives in Seattle can relate to this because Seattle is along the same latitude as Holland and has similar weather patterns. When I went back to visit my relatives in Holland, where the sun rarely shines. It’s just gloomy a lot of the time and I always felt so smug about fleeing that environment. But the last time when I went back to Holland, I was blown away by how beautiful those gray days were. I was blown away by it!

I think of the poem by Joyce Kilmer, the Trees poem. I think that I shall never see. A poem lovely as a tree. Well, do you know what that means? Do you really know what that means? When was the last time you looked at a tree and thought of it as being the loveliness thing you’ve ever seen? Really? Any tree, any random tree; any shrub outside where you live, you can look at it and you can see it as being the loveliness thing you’ve ever seen. But you have to SHUT UP for a minute and do it. You have to observe it. You have to step off the treadmill and you have to open yourself up to it. Because what I’m talking about goes beyond language.

And, again I think of line by Gertrude Stein, A rose is a rose is a rose. Well that always bugged me. Of course A rose is a rose is a rose. But what she talking about here? She’s talking about when you see a rose stop rhapsodizing about its intoxicating scent and exquisite beauty. SHUT UP! That’s it. Stop talking about it. Don’t use words—connect. When you do that in the world, when you see the beauty that is absolutely everywhere in this world, it’s hard to feel hassled and threatened and victimized. It just is. 

Everything’s okay. It’s all going to be fine. And it is, of course, we forget that, but it’s all going to be fine. You can’t lose at this game. So, connecting to the world at large is another expression of love.

Fantasy land - not really

Already I can feel the tension rising. “But my life is so different than that,” you say. Don’t worry. To achieve your ideal work, your ideal life, you don’t have to turn your current life upside down overnight. In fact, you don’t have to do anything; except look at it. 

Don’t force it to be some great life revelation, but simply a life observation. In fact, may I suggest you do the last exercise again. Right now, if you like. Rewind it. Only this time reinforce what you know is right. Where you weren’t sure, make some different choices. See what they look like and how they feel. Then look at your life as you lead it now. Why the difference? Don’t’ beat yourself up. Don’t feel guilty, feel good that you’re finally looking.

What moves can you make to get closer to your ideal? Where do you feel trapped? Look closely and again, you’ll see that it’s not a trap, but a lesson. Make it part of your consciousness as you move through your day. Stay conscious. Stay awake. Do this regularly.

 
Your fantasy of your ideal life will change as your self-awareness grows. And best of all as you move towards it, as you see real progress, as you learn to believe in yourself, you will realize that this is not a fantasy at all. It’s your purpose; your mission. And you are to create it no matter how imperfectly, messy, difficult, Looney Tune, real life world we all live in. 

That it’s worth holding in your mind, and working for, and fighting for, and indeed, dedicating your life to, and at that point you’ll wonder how you could have ever lived any other way.

Where will YOU be five years from now?

There is a quote from a great dancer and choreographer, Martha Graham. It’s a beautiful relationship about what we’ve been talking about in connecting or loving your work. 

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. ― Martha Graham

Let’s do an exercise that will help you to connect to your work and to other aspects of your life as well. For the next few minutes I’d like to lead you on a visualization of your ideal work in life in general. Just follow along in your mind. Throughout this visualization, you are in control and you should give yourself a few minutes to pause and crystallize your vision. I you ever want to take more time to follow a particular interesting daydream, go ahead. Don’t rush. After all, what could be more important? So, relax. Empty your hands. Breathe. Sit or lay back. Just relax.

We are going to forward in time to today’s date five year’s from now. In the last five years, you have tenaciously, courageously, and lovingly told the truth and it has paid off. Now you find yourself in your ideal situation. You’re who you are. You’re who you ought to be. You’re doing the work that is right for you.

It’s morning on today’s date five years from now. You’ve just had a great night’s sleep. Now you’re waking up. Stretch. Now open your eyes. Take a look around your bedroom, slowly. It’s another beautiful day. Just go with whatever vision you’re having. Look around. Look next to you. Who’s there? How does he or she look? Or are you alone?

Now, get out of bed and look out the window. Scan the view what do you see? Countryside, cityscape, seashore? What do YOU see? Don’t worry about picking the right answer just go with something. Explore whatever appeals to you at this moment.

Now, walk into the bathroom to get ready for work. Before you bathe, stand in front of a full-length mirror and take off your robe or pajamas. Look at your body. Really look at it. What does it look like in your ideal self five years from now? Be realistic, you’ll be five years older. Give yourself a break and choose to love your body however you see it.

You bathe and now you’re getting ready for work. What are you going to wear? What is it? A beautiful tailored suit? Jeans? Casuals? Scrubs? A uniform? What do you wear to work in your ideal life?

Now, you go to work. Where do you go? Do you stay home? Do you have a home office or studio? Do you go to an office in the city? Do you go to a school? To an animal shelter? Where do YOU go?

Now, arrive at work and look at some of the scenes. This is your ideal work. This is your expression of love on earth in concrete form. What does your workplace look like?

How about your own personal space? What are you doing? Are you alone? Or with a small committed team or part of a bustling organization? What kind of projects are you working on? Think of some of the most thrilling moments you experience throughout your day. Look at them. Run them like a movie in front of your mind. Feel the connection. Feel the expression. Feel the creativity. When you’re doing your right work, it’s easy. You’re alive and, you’re a master. If you wish, just pause for awhile and have a little daydream.

Now you go back home, or if you were home all along, you move into your leisure phase, if you choose to have one. What’s an ideal evening in your ideal life look like? Are you reading a book? Taking a class? Spending time with family and friends? Do you have a home office? Workshop? Are you in a romance?

Pick something. Anything that appeals to YOU in THIS moment and look at it. Just look at it. Run the scenes in front of your mind.

Before you go to bed you pick up the days’ newspaper. In it you find an article about YOU. Look closely. They even have pictures of you. What are you doing in the pictures? What do they look like? Look at them. What does the article say?

Now, you’re off to bed. As you lay there alone or next to your sweetie, you feel the security and serenity of being exactly where you where meant to be. You feel the connectedness…the love and the peace of mind of being exactly who you’re meant to be. And slowly, you sink deeper into the warmth. And you sigh and you cuddle and you drift off to sleep.

When you’re ready, no hurry, come back to the present moment.

Changes in the business world

There’s a lot of changes going on in the business world in general in this country and around the world. And what is happening is that we are moving toward a realization people are our most important product. That is not just a cliché. That is not just a slogan. 

The companies who are making it these days in business are the companies where the employee’s are turned on, and excited, and creative, and finding some purpose in what they’re doing at work. These are the companies who people come to work more than just to make money. And that’s how we compete these days. Which companies can get those kinds of people. 

Now the only way you can keep people like this happy, the only way you can keep them in your organization is to free them. And that is what is happening in our organizations these days. We’re moving from an orientation of rule to an orientation of judgment. So that people are free to make judgments as to how things ought to be done. They can do them their way. They make their own decisions. They don’t have to get approval from above. They don’t have to look it up in the rulebooks. 

This is happening simply because of competitive pressure is making it happen, because in other words, companies who are making things happen are eating the lunch of the companies who aren’t. And that is simply an expression of trust. 

We’re moving from an ordination of control to an ordination of trust in our working environment. We have things like self-managed teams. This would have been unheard of, this would have been heresy 30 years ago. But trust is essential to competition, to having a competitive edge these days. And that is simply an expression of connectedness in business. 

We trust each other. We have a basic connection. We operate from connection rather than from separation. We realize that we’re all fair. We’re all honest. We’re all here to do the right thing. And that, friends, is a direct expression of love in the workplace. And it is inspiriting. It’s exciting to see this happen. 

And, if you’re waiting tables in a restaurant and you have a vision that you would be a great sales person, how do you move from one to the other? Well, rather than be a cyclical, embittered, victimized waiter, what you do is you put on your best show. You get to know your customers. You ask about them. You connect with them. You find out who might have a lead, who might know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody. Who might somebody that might have a job. You impress them. 

People who hire are just a frustrated finding good people as people who are looking for jobs are looking for good jobs. We tend to talk about each other rather than to each other about it. But, that’s the case. 

I know in my situation I’ve seem someone who was a great clerk and said hey, you want a job in another company? You want to take a step? And it works. It works for them and it works for me. So, we can do that. 

If you’re a manager and you find that you’re a people person and not a project person, look at how you can delegate those projects. Look at how you can minimize those projects. Look to see if they have to be done anymore and how can you maximize. How can you increase your contact with people. 

You make find that you move out of your company slowly. You become an independent contractor and sell your services back to your company. That can happen. And if you’re moving in the direction of your own as Joseph Campbell would say, “Your own bliss.” Then the company with have to corporate with you because you’re so damn enthusiastic, and creative, and productive they would be stupid not to. 

So that’s how it works. Connection to your work. Connection to your purpose.

More news!

Here's today video. Enjoy!

Connecting to work

Let’s look at the next connection—connection to work. Kahlil Gibran said, “Work is love made visible.” 

Do you remember when I talked about Caroline, the woman who cleaned my house. Caroline was somebody who was connected to her work. Caroline took pride in her work. Caroline was proud. Caroline was gratified to be of service to other people. She wasn't a servant, but she was of service. And that was something that fulfilled her on a very deep level. And that’s a wonderful thing. 

It doesn’t have to be some exalted profession in order for you to have this kind of a feeling. In fact, it doesn’t have to be any profession at all, necessarily.

I got this forum post from one of the women that in my college class. And she wrote it about her life’s purpose, because that was one of our assignments. This is her post (used by permission) and how she connects to her purpose and her work. She writes,

I began this note over a week ago. I’ve not been able to finish it until today because I’ve spent this week taking care of the ones I love. Oh no, nothing dramatic like saving lives or caring for the terminally ill. 

But, I’ve been fulfilling my life’s purpose by spending my time talking to my friend whose lover had turned suicidal. I also took my friend’s eight-year-old to the zoo, as her daddy had just returned home after 60 days in an alcoholic rehabilitation center. I spent countless hours on the telephone this week reassuring, comforting, and just listening. 

I’ve always been amazed at people who just know what they are best at, and pursue it faithfully. I am not extraordinary at anything. I’ve always viewed myself as an ordinary looking girl with average intelligence, normal talent level, basic life survival skills, nothing special. I was beginning to believe that I would never discover that niche in life that would make me special—different from everybody else. 

I always viewed in awe the artist, the writer, the athlete, anyone who specialized in something or has a passion for one particular thing. I felt hopeless and useless. Then one night I was lying in bed praying to God. I am a Christian, but not an exceptional one. Suddenly, it was though a curtain had been lifted from my thoughts. I knew it. At last, I had found my purpose. My purpose is not to be the best musician in the world, nor am I to be a famous spokesman for the White House. 

I’m here simply to ease a little pain where ever I can. I’m here to do my grocery shopping on Tuesday afternoons, so I can help older folks in the store without hurting their pride. I’m here to send goofy cards to people who seem lonely. I’m here to take my friend’s children roller skating. I’m here to buy a home permanent for my elderly neighbor who likes to look nice for Bingo on Thursday. I’m here to bake birthday cakes. 

I have the most delightful purpose there is because I can never run out of new ideas. The rewards are unbelievable! At time, doing my job is not easy and a person can feel really tired. But, somehow you never completely lose the will to keep going. I now know the true meaning of the phase, labor of love. Love is something that may weaken, but it will never break.

Wow, this is the stuff of sainthood! This is somebody who’s living her life with a purpose and it’s nothing particularly exalted, at least from the outside looking in.

We’ll look at this more detail on Tuesday.

How do we come up with these thoughts?

It was few years ago, I was in Florida doing a craft show. After the show I was at the beach and I was walking along the Boardwalk. I stopped to look at the sunset and I saw an old lady sitting on a bench next to me in front of a hotel. 

She was a sad case. I mean, she was in an ill fitting dress, her hair was a mess, she was unkempt and she was just sitting there just kind of talking to herself and shaking her head. And, I felt a lot of compassion for this woman. I know there are a lot of old people in Pensacola. It seemed that she was Jewish and I got this vision of how she fled the concentration camps and there she was on the Boardwalk because she was living in some squalled apartment, it was too hot and she couldn’t afford air conditioning; and her husband was dead and her kids had moved away and there she was all alone. I felt proud of my compassion. 

You know, I created the whole scenario about this woman. And then this young man comes up in a blazer and a badge. He leans down and starts talking to her and I thought that he was going to make her move. And they were talking back and forth. Then he got up to leave and he turned and said, “Okay, doctor, I’ll get right back to you on it.” And I thought, doctor? I stopped him and I said, “Excuse me, do you know that woman?” He said he did. I asked, “Who is she?” I’m sorry I can’t remember her name, but there was a convention of astrophysicists at the hotel and she was visiting from France to address the convention. And I though, woe! What a wonderful world this is where a bag lady can be turned into an astrophysicist!

When I realized this and there is not magic wand involved here; the only thing that had changed was my perception of this woman had changed. My separation from this woman, my judgment, my story that I told about her had been changed. And suddenly I realized that this woman is purposeful, and creative, and alive as I was on my best day and certainly a lot more so than I was at that moment. That’s a good lesson for all of us. 

As we are meeting other people, instead of cataloging them according to their differences, look at what we have in common, even if it just our base humanity. Even if it’s just that. And when you’re making up stories about people as we always do, at least make up good ones.

When I go to the mall or when I go to shopping, I see people now. I look at them and think thoughts like: Oh, I bet she’s a wonderful mother. I bet she’s just a great poet. I bet he knows everything there is to know about the civil war. Now, chances are I’m wrong. But I was wrong when I was making up bad stories.

So, when you are connecting to people at that base level of humanity, it’s hard to feel hassled and threatened. It’s hard to put up the walls. It’s hard to have the hard outer shell. It’s hard to be separated.

So, love…connectedness heals fear and makes life a lot easier and a lot more fun. 

Tomorrow, we’ll look at the next one – connection to work.

Step Three - Love

Welcome to step number three on your journey to self-empowerment. Love.

Love is connectedness. Love heals fear. Now, just at truth is more than honesty and accuracy, love is more than romance. Love is more than kissy-face. Love is more than Valentine’s Day. Like truth, love is a force. It is the force in the world that heals fear. It’s the force that overcomes separation. It is the force that connects us. Now let’s look at some of the ways that love connects us.

First, let’s exam how love connects us to other people. Next, we’ll see how it connects us to our work and our purpose. Third, we’ll look at how love connects us to the world at large and life itself.

First of all, love connects us to each other. So often what we do all day long when we’re working with other people, or shopping, or living our lives, sometimes when we meet people, we immediately catalog them according to their differences. For instance, you’re older than I am. You’re a man. You’re very handsome. You look like you make more money than I do. Okay, so what’s the differences? I call it the “Ooh Woe Syndrome”.

The Ooh Woe Syndrome. Everybody we meet, it’s like Ooh, she’s fat. Or Ooh, he’s funny looking. Or Ooh, she’s beautiful. Ooh, he looks rich and powerful. I don’t care whether you’re comparing yourself favorably or unfavorably. Where does it leave you? It leaves you separated. It leaves you with a wall between you and that other person. And isn’t that how we live our lives too much? Too often making judgments about other people; positive or negative? 

The healing of that is seeing the connection. I don’t care whether it was Saddam Hussein, or Leona Helmsley, or Donald Trump, or weird people, or ugly people, or whatever it might be. There is something that we all have in common, and that is we’re all fighting a pretty tough battle.

The Greek philosopher Philo said, “Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” And seeing that, seeing that base connection with other people that we’re all human beings doing the best we can with a pretty tough battle here, is one way of finding that connectedness.

It’s kind of like that great philosopher, David Byrne, from the Talking Heads, he said, “Sometimes it a form of love just to talk to someone you have nothing in common with and be fascinated by their presence.” That is a wonderful form of love. They are unfolding another piece of humanity for you. And what a wonderful gift that is.

Stay tuned for the next personal story.

Negative Emotions

Now, for a moment, let's think outside the box. Let's look at some other things that might cause fear.

For instance, anxiety has nothing to do with being late. Anxiety has everything to do with being exposed to the unlovely little cur you are.

Greed has nothing to do with who earned what. Greed has everything to do with there isn’t enough to go around. I’m going to be left with nothing.

Jealously has nothing to do with who flirted with whom. Jealously is I’m afraid I’m unlovable. I’m going to be abandoned.

Anger has nothing to do with who did what to whom. It has everything to do with nobody’s listening to me. I don’t matter.

And if you look at your fears. If you look at your negative emotions. If you look at your negative thoughts and actions and follow them…observe them. You will see at the core, there’s a two-year-old who has woken up in the middle of the night afraid that he’s or she's been abandoned; and that’s at the base of all of our fears.

Now, when you live in that kind of a place, when you are separated, when you’re alone, when you are unloved, then the world is a very unfriendly place. The world is a place where you have to scramble to get all you can. The world’s a place where you have to keep your guard up to protect it. The world’s a kind of place where you are hassled and threatened by other people. And the world the kind of place where you occasionally do get around to looking at yourself, you don’t like what you see there either, and you question your own motives, and you watch yourself bluffing all the time.And that’s where a lot of us live to some degree. That’s fear and that’s separation.

Fear, it keeps us separated. It keeps us from facing the truth and telling the truth. In other words, it keeps us from our self and our own self-empowerment. 

So, what’s the cure? What heals fear? What is the antidote to separation? That’s too easy. What heals separation? Obviously, connectedness. And connectedness is just another word for love.

More on love tomorrow.

Fear

Let’s take a look now at the mechanisms of fear. What is it? How does it work? Let me start with two simple definite statements.

Statement #1: Fear = Separation

Statement #2: Fear is a cathartic of every negative thought you have, every negative emotion you experience, and every negative action you take.

Now, allow me to explain further starting with a quick example.

Here’s an example of what I am talking about. A couple of days ago, it was just a normal day for me. Often I will work at home in the morning doing my college work and projects. Then in the afternoon I do more research, but occasionally get out of the house for sanity’s sake.

This was on of those days I was on out of the house on a mission. I was on my way to Birmingham and I really wanted to leave about 4 o’clock so I could get there around 5:30, or at least that was my plan. 

But as is my want, I kindka doodled here and there and I didn’t get into the car until about 4:30. It was raining. It’s had been raining most of the day, but because is wasn’t a work day, I didn’t figure on any after work traffic. However, the other thing I didn’t count on was the number of wrecks. What should have taken 1.5 hours drive took over 4 hours!

I realized that there was nothing I could do about it. I looked at alternate routes, but they would have taken just as long. I didn’t know how long I would be stuck in traffic, so I stayed. And, so I was a screaming manic. I do that regularly. I think I need a hit of my own adrenalin, you know what I mean? But at any rate, I do create that circumstance from time to time and I did again.

And I sit and sit and there was nothing I could do, I was going to be late and at this point I was enraged. And you know, even I occasionally remember this stuff. And I did. And I said okay Sheila, “Isn’t it interesting how your buttons have been pushed?” The observing consciousness was coming out. How frenzied you are today, Sheila. So I looked at that and I asked myself the question and you can do it too. Anytime you’re feeling a negative emotion or thinking a negative thought, or doing a negative action ask yourself since negative actions are fears, “What am I afraid of?” 

That’s an interesting question to ask when you’re angry. You don’t normally associate anger with fear, but it is. And so I ask myself, “What are you afraid of?” and my answer was, “I’m afraid I’ll be late.” So the next question is, “Why am I afraid of being late?” Well, I’m afraid if I’m late everybody with think I’m unorganized and unprofessional. Well, why am I afraid of being seen as unorganized and unprofessional? Well, I teaching organizational and communication skills as well as professionalism. And if I’m unorganized and unprofessional then people will think I’m a hypocrite. Well, why am I afraid of people thinking I’m a hypocrite? Well, I’m afraid if they think I’m a hypocrite, they’ll reject me and I’ll have to leave. And that’s the fear.

I recall an old Far Side cartoon that showed a giant cockroach sitting on Skid Row bemoaning his fate, saying, "I use to be a CEO with my own company, power and authority; then, one day, someone yelled, "Hey, he's just a big cockroach". Hey, that’s my fear that someday someone will realize it. So, that’s it. And, if you look at it, that’s the base of fear, that separation, that rejection of not being loved.

And if you look at all of your negative emotions, you will see too that they are rooted in fear.

We’ll look at more examples tomorrow.

Top 5 Dumb Crooks

This week’s top five stupid criminals.

I would have had this sooner, but youtube was down for maintenance.

Demons are just gods that we haven’t recognized yet

I remember listening to a tape of an interview with Joseph Campbell who is a celebrated anthropologist, mythologist, wonderful thinker, just an incredible man. He and the interviewer were talking about the nature of evil. Well, there’s a topic for you. 

I remember Joseph Campbell saying something that hit me right between the eyes. He said, “Demons are just gods that we haven’t recognized yet.” What does that mean? That means that anxiety you feel, that anxiety that never quite goes away, you know in your chest or your stomach. Or the tension in the back of your neck that never quite goes away. That’s a demon. 

He’s talking about the anxiety attacks we have. He’s talking about the nightmares where you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. He’s talking about that feeling hostility where somebody pulls out in front of us at an intersection and we’re enraged and we wonder where did that come from.

He’s talking about the sadness that we feel. He’s talking about the dread that we have. He’s talking about the depressions that we have, low level, virtually chronic all the time. Those are demons that when you look at them they become gods. They become your friends. In fact, they are red flags that there is something you need to look at.

It’s just like I told a story in a earlier post about me and Jane, my friend who hassled me with emails and the phone call when I was on sabbatical. I was so angry that I gritted my teeth literally for 10 hours. I was being eaten by that demon until I turned a faced it and called Jane, told her about it, and then what happened? It was my friend. It lead Jane and I to a level of closeness that we never had before. So the demon becomes the friend.

It’s like a woman I know that worked with another company several years ago She was a graphic designer in the creative department. Everyone loved her. She was a wonderful lady. She was nice to be around, but she wasn’t a very good graphic designer, and she didn’t get her work done on time. She was very touchy to criticism and it got tot be a drag even though I like her. And one day her boss realized that he had to do something about this.

Monday morning came and her boss had a meeting with her and said, “Hey, it’s not working. Let’s split.” And she was upset and she cried and it was a typically firing. It’s no fun. But she left and six months later she said that getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t have the courage to do it quit myself, but I realized something that day, and that is “I’m not good graphic designer” That’s not easy to realize when you’re getting paid to do one, is it? 

So she realized that I’m not a good graphic designer, but you know what I am? “I’m a hell of a good potter.” And she opened a pottery studio which had be her dream for years and was selling pottery at the craftshows and was already six months later making as much money as she made as a graphic designer with the company she was with. And now, eight years later, I would guess that she’s making 10 times as much. She makes the kind of pottery now that goes into lobbies of the Marriot’s, if you know what I mean. It is beautiful, elaborate, extravagant art. 

So the demon becomes the friend. And it’s beautiful how that works. It’s terrifying, but it’s also beautiful and don’t forget that part. And the people who have faced it. The people who have dismantled a life that wasn’t working. As terrifying as it is, as much as the people in their lives kicked and screamed, the people who did it are among the happiest people on earth. Why? Because they’re one step closer or maybe one mile closer to being who they are. And how can you even compare that to staying stuck? There is no comparison. So it is ultimately a beautiful process. But, don’t be fooled. That demon if it is not faced is a demon. It is a demon and it will eat you up.

I think of a saying I can’t recall from where, it but it goes like this: “If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.”

Bring it forth, it will save you. Do not bring it forth and it will eat you alive. And that’s the process.

So those are your choices. Pretty easy choice. I mean we have the choice to year by year grow older and more loving and more who we are and more connected and more creative, and happy and alive. Or, we have the choice to year by year grow more angry, and cynical, and embittered, and brittled, and confused, and unconscious, and separated. So those are your choices.

If you don’t think you can face the pain of looking at the truth then you just want until you get what’s coming to you. And that’s the pain of not telling the truth. Actually, what that turns into for many of us is not some sort excruciating screaming pain, it turns into numbness, and deadness. And that’s a whole lot more excruciating if you think about it. 

So a stumbling block, fear. Truth leads you closer to self-empowerment. Fear keeps you from telling the truth. Obviously, a big part of self-empowerment then is overcoming fear. In order to overcome fear, we must first understand it. 

Tomorrow, I plan to video blog and on Tuesday will look at some of the mechanisms of fear.

For one Joseph Campbell visit here:www.mevio.com/episode/92858/the-power-of-myth-with-joseph-cambell

Please note that I do not expressly believe in all the viewpoints Joseph Campbell.

First half recap on self-empowerment

We’ve examined the first two steps of self-empowerment, self-awareness and truth. Next we’ll be looking at step three, the power of love.

In the meantime, let’s look back over the distance we’ve traveled so far starting with step one, self-awareness. 

Self-awareness has two elements, the first is self-responsibly. Until you see your roll in your life, until you stop blaming your mother or society or whatever you are blaming. We all have our victim rolls. Until you stop that, then you can go forward. Self-responsibly, what’s your roll in your drama? The only thing you can change is your point of power. 

The second element of self-awareness is developing the observing consciousness. That place in our head or deep within us where we stand and look at ourselves. Where we look at our thoughts. Where we look at our emotions. Where we look at our actions. And, that’s the vantage point for self-awareness. That’s where we see what’s going on instead of be what’s going on. Not only is it the vantage point for self-awareness, it is the access point for self-empowerment. Because when you can see your options, thoughts, emotions, and actions, then you can make choices. And you can make healthy choices for yourself in terms of how you think and feel and how you act. You are no longer triggered. 

Now, does this mean we can’t feel anymore. Does this mean that this is some dispassion state that we are trying to get to? No. we can still feel. We can still even feel bad things. You can still be angry. You can still be crazy. The deal is, you have to watch yourself be angry. You have to watch yourself be crazy. And simply by watching, to see your drama is to be freed of your drama. That’s the process. Simple attention, attention, attention, paying attention. And things change of their own accord. In other words, stop trying to change yourself so much and start trying to understand yourself a little better. And things will happen of their own accord. So that’s what we are talking about with self-awareness.

When we talk about self-awareness and unfolding yourself and all that stuff. We talked about some methodologies. We talked about therapy, we talked about self-therapy, which is simply thinking; stepping off the treadmill and looking at yourself and saying, “Hey, what’s going on here?” We talked about journaling. These are all things where you find out about new parts of yourself. 

Recap of truth

Truth is more than accuracy. Truth is more than honesty. Truth is a force in the world. And it is the force that will lead you step by step to empowerment. The signage that leads you on your path to yourself, virtual, every moment in our lives we have the opportunity to either tell the truth or not tell the truth. If we tell the truth, we get to move on to the next square. We take another step on our path to our self. 

If we choose not to tell the truth, we get to recycle that drama. And many of us recycle, and recycle, and recycle the same drama. We must like it! Right? I think part of us does. It’s at least comfortable. Many of us would rather stay with what we know even if we don’t like it rather than try something new. 

So, the truth is a most wonderful force in the world. It leads us to who we are. It leads us home. Now, there’s only one tiny little problem with all this. I would be a bit surprised if some of you, as I have, when you looked at the truth fearlessly. And when practice some of the methodologies of self-awareness, you came to realize that there’s some things in your life that need changing. 

You may have realized that you’re in a relationship that isn’t working, at least now it isn’t. It needs some attention. You may find that in your career that you are a square peg in a round hole. You may find that they’re parts of your life where you are fast asleep. You may find that there are parts of your life that it would be directly in your interest to dismantle and that is a most terrifying realization. Yes, it could very well be that it’s in our best interest to dismantle a portion of our lives. That is a hard thing to look at. That’s a hard thing to swallow. And if that’s true for you then here’s my advice…go for the juggler. Not in terms of action. I’m not talking about rash action. In fact, don’t do anything for awhile. But go for the juggler in terms of your attention. Look at it. Look at the monster. Look at it thought the therapy, though the self-awareness methodology that we talked about, but turn and look. 

When you force yourself to turn and scream and open your eyes, you will find to your amazement that there’s no monster there at all. You just thought there was going to be a monster. What you will find there is a friend. What you will find there is a guide who has a very important lesson to teach you about yourself. And some very important directions on your path to self-empowerment.

Journaling?

Actually, I’m a little nervous about in this business; this self-improvement business, because, in some ways it distracts us from the fact that everything’s okay, just the way we are. It’s really okay. 

And we want more. More, someone called it a disease -- More and it is. The fact is that everyone reading this, I would guess, has more material wealth. I don’t care if you’re cleaning houses. You have more material wealth than 99.9% of the people who’ve ever walked the face of this planet. 

So, with that in mind, to what degree is it appropriate to dedicating our life to entering the 99.9 percentile? To want more, and more, and more. And sometimes it is such a relief to stop and breathe and say “Hey, this is enough. This is okay. Let’s enjoy this right now, in this moment.” Why is that so hard?

One reader wrote in:

One point that always kinds of gets in my hair is having a possessive personally. I’m a member of 12 step program. And I get obsessed about food or work or you name it. I can obsess about observation. Just what we were talking about. I’ve often said to my friends, this issue feels like a bad perm. It’s completely over processed. And sometimes I wonder when is the fine line of observing and feeling what going on with you and when are you obsessing about it, constantly rerunning the tapes. How did I act and what are my emotions? And, it confuses me.

That a interesting statement, and it one that I’ve thought about to, because when we talk about observing ourselves, the fact is, many of us observe ourselves to distraction already. You know, we’re conscience of ourselves of every moment, of thinking about ourselves every more we make. 

At a party all we can think about is ourselves is that looks like observing consciousness, but what it really is, is programming. Its unconsciousness programming that is masquerading as observing unconsciousness. And when that happens, observe that happening from the observing unconsciousness. Because its bogus. Watch yourself. Be conscience of yourself being self conscience.

I hope you are enjoying the blog and gaining a better understanding of self-empowerment and what it means to be yourself and to live your life your way.

As you now know self-empowerment takes place in four steps:  

1. Self-awareness
2. Truth
3. Love
4. Commitment

We’ve examined the first two steps. Next we’ll be looking at step three, the power of love.